When did we stop doing life together?
On holding it all alone + replay
I used to run my business like a gambler: emotion over facts, impulse over strategy, no numbers, no plan. I just kept throwing money at it.
That’s the business model I learned from my father. I didn’t know any other way.
And it absolutely destroyed me.
Then my father died. I had unresolved trauma & mental health issues. Hormonal chaos. Grief. A pandemic that forced me to pivot online in a panic.
Survivor mode, activated.
I got sucked into toxic business / marketing / ‘course creator’ coaching funnels & spaces, which all but FRIED my nervous system & left me in serious financial strain & debt.
My body took the brunt of this stress & I got very sick. I will not let myself work that way again.
The Blue Moon Shift
For the past 2 years, I have been recovering. I took a step back from self employment & worked as a barista for 18 months. I then did a stint for a skincare brand, which I hoped would result in full time, permanent work, but that wasn’t to be.
In May this year I decided, in spite of my resistance, that I was going to give self employment another shot. So I’m getting ready to create an actual business plan this time, to submit to a local enterprise office for approval & access to supports.
SUPPORT: What made me think I have to do life without it?
Oh… I could take a guess. The culprit would probably begin with the letter S and end with the letters HAME.
Isn’t SHAME wild?
This month, I intentionally spent quality, creative time with several very dear to me friends.
We talked about the work we’re each doing or not doing, projects we want to begin or complete, offers we can make, money, marketing.
And while each of us are certainly ‘out here’ doing our best, we are also struggling, for various reasons, to hold it all, solo.
Our plates are already full. Our bodies are already overwhelmed. Our nervous systems are already at capacity.
But here’s the lovely thing; each conversation concluded in a plan to follow through on what we discussed, together. To help each other figure out what that looks like, together. To reach out to our communities, share our resources & carry the load, together.
Now we all have ‘next steps’ & check-in dates scheduled for June and suddenly, it all feels so much more manageable.
I’ve been away because everything just became so hard. I’m returning because I’m finally done resisting ease.
I’m ready to soften into community instead of proving myself. I am willing to admit that I need you and you need me.
We can’t keep expecting ourselves to do hard shit, alone. Whether that be work or life - or unemployment & death, for that matter.
I am done trying to win. I am done performing. I am done being the one who figures it all out.
And to you, I owe an apology. I know in the last few years, I let you down by being so caught up in the hustle. I lost perspectice. I lost my joy and I lost my way.
But I’m back now.
I opened this weeks Blue Moon Journaling session to everyone because I want to do this differently. I want to do it together.
The replay this week is available to all subscribers.
If you’re a paying subscriber(thank you!) — scroll down for the details & of June Journaling Sessions. I’m now offering additional weekend sessions to see how we go.
Enjoy the replay & hope to see you on a call real soon.
Amanda x