The Peace Disturber Is... You
What do you mean, I'm the asshole?
This is a companion article to THE ROAD BACK HOME Ep 39:
This one's for everyone who's tired of feeling like they have to keep pulling rabbits from a hat to deserve a seat at the table.
In this unscripted solo episode, I challenged myself to just talk. No outline, no plan, no trunk full of wisdom to unpack.
What emerged was an unexpected meditation on recovery, control and the radical act of being enough exactly as you are.
Mo chara,
I hadn't been on Instagram for almost 18 months. Then I posted a few things in a row this week and boom,there it was. That comment.
The one that got in on me and started grating, sending me into that familiar spiral of plotting my retaliation in my head.
You know the one. Where you start telling yourself what they really meant by that comment, what it proves about them, what it says about you.
The whole mental gymnastics routine that leaves you exhausted and pissed off about something that happened in a virtual space with someone you've never met.
But here's what I've learned in recovery: when I'm disturbed, the disturbance isn't coming from out there. It's coming from in here.
The Rules of Amanda World
As I sat with my journal, working through what was really happening, I had to get honest about something uncomfortable: I have rules about how people should interact with me.
There's a "proper" way to be in “Amanda World” and this commenter had violated my rules.
But here's the thing, you leave your room and people are going to people. You have absolutely no control over their "properness."
But if you think people should show up in a certain way and they don't, your peace is going to be disturbed.
And it might seem on the surface like it’s their fault, but the disturbance isn't about their comment. It's about my expectations.
The Story I Told Myself
In that moment, I decided the comment was dismissive. I fabricated an entire narrative about her intention to put me down, to make me feel small. But where did I get that information about her intent?
I used my imagination.
I twisted reality and decided what she meant when she never spoke a word of her intention. That was pure projection, an absolute fabrication with no factual backing.
And that's what I was actually upset about: the story I made up in my head.
This is what recovery teaches us to look for: How are we the asshole?
The Three Questions That Change Everything
When I'm caught in that spiral, I've learned to ask myself three questions:
And the answer was clear: I was demanding that other people behave in ways that please me, then getting upset when they didn't comply with demands they never agreed to meet.
Because I am harbouring a fear that remains unchecked.
This isn't about blame, it's about power.
When I locate the source of my disturbance in my own expectations and stories, I suddenly have something I can actually do about it.
I can't control how people interact with me, but I can work with my own reactions.
There's no scenario where I get to control other people's responses. But there is a scenario where I stop making their responses mean something about me.
Why This Matters Beyond Instagram
This principle applies everywhere:
when your teenager doesn't clean their room the way you asked,
when your partner doesn't show appreciation the way you prefer,
when your boss doesn't acknowledge your work the way you expected.
But the real issue isn't their behaviour it's that we're trying to control outcomes we have no power over.
The peace we're seeking isn't found in getting people to behave the way we want. It's found in releasing our rigid expectations of how things "should" be.
The next time you find yourself disturbed by someone's response or lack thereof, ask yourself:
What rule did they break that I never told them about?
What story am I telling myself about their intention?
How am I making this about my feelings being agreeable to me, the most important thing in this moment?
You might just find that the peace you've been seeking was there all along, waiting for you to stop demanding that the world rearrange itself to meet your expectations.
Amanda x
🔒 Behind the Paywall: Soundtracks for Slowing Down
In keeping with this week's theme of just being instead of constantly doing, I'm sharing the instrumental albums and playlists that have been my companions through recovery, which enhance my creativity and holds me in those moments when I need to remember that I'm enough without adding anything more.