Refusing To Start Over

and other silly resentments (April Replay)

Yesterday’s journal session reminded me why I do this work.

When I sent out that last-minute email opening the call to everyone - free and paid subscribers alike - I wasn’t sure who would show up.

I’d been MIA. I’d dropped the ball in March. Life has been challenging me in ways I’m still processing.

But you showed up anyway.

We sat with Andrea Gibson’s poem about pain as a spider. We journaled about mothers and fear and webs and mercy. About chronic pain and family divisions and the courage it takes to keep building when your work keeps getting destroyed.

Someone shared how the spider isn’t the pain itself - it’s the protector, weaving beautiful patches over wounds to hold us together.

Someone else realised their spider has been diligently building webs their whole life, waiting to retire once it’s safe to fall apart.

And I realised I’ve been acting like a spider who was only supposed to build one web ever, resentful every time it got hoovered it up and stubbornly refusing to build another; as if my silk was not abundant and stored inside of me.

The replay is available below for all subscribers.

Why These Sessions Matter & I WANT TO OFFER THEM WEEKLY

These gatherings are sacred. Not polished. Not performative. Just real people witnessing each other’s actual lives as they’re happening.

We don’t listen to fix. We don’t listen to respond. We just witness; life as it is, however messy it is.

If you’re not a paid subscriber yet, these sessions are one of the main reasons to upgrade. You get:

• Live WEEKLY journal sessions + full replay library

• Exclusive art journal worksheets and prompts

• First access to new offerings (like my ‘mystery art journal page drops’ coming soon: as soon as I get medicated for the ol ADHD which has had me in a merciless state of freeze for too long)

• The messy, real stuff I only share here

€10/month or €110/year - your monthly permission slip to tend to yourself with witnesses who get it.

Two Coaching Spots Available

During the session, someone mentioned feeling like they’ve done so much work but wondering when they’ll feel the benefits. Someone else talked about learning to be kind to pain instead of trying to crush it.

If either of those landed with you - if you’re in the messy middle of major life transitions and could use support that meets you exactly where you are - I have two coaching spots opening in May.

Investment:

• €600 for 5 sessions (flexibility to space them as needed)

• €400/month for ongoing support (minimum 3 months)

• Free discovery call to see if we’re a good fit

This work is for people who are ready to do the actual work, over time; not just think about it or read about it, but show up and engage with what’s real.

If that’s you, book a discovery call below or just reply to this email.

What’s Next

We will begin our weekly sessions on WED 7th May, 7-8.30pm Irish time. I’ll send reminders closer the time.

This will be open to paid subscribers.

Brand New Art Journaling tutorials in progress (tech gremlins permitting).

Mystery art pages launching once I sort the logistics (and the brain).

And me? I’m sitting with the spider medicine.

Learning that webs get destroyed and spiders just... build another one. Because the silk comes from inside them. It’s what they do.

And sometimes webs need to be destroyed. Especially if we ourselves have become stuck in them.

Thank you for being here. Thank you for showing up when I expressed my need for community, connection & witnesses.

Thank you for your patience while I figure out my next web.

See you in May.

Amanda x

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P.s

My very Dear Friend Tammi Salas shared the below track with us toward the end of the call. I teased her about being in her ‘Uncle Travelling Matt’ era (if you’re a Fraggle Rock fan, then you get the reference) but lucky for us, Tammi takes us with her, everywhere she goes.

So if you’re in the market for a wander & like to live vicariously through courageous others, go check out Tammi Salas’s Substack as she documents her lustful & lovely adventures around Europe.