BLOG:The People-Pleasing Paradox
How Reclaiming Your Power Lets You Give More—Without Unnecessary Sacrifice
Many of us have grown up believing that keeping the peace, avoiding conflict, and making sure others are happy are virtues.
We’ve been conditioned to equate self-sacrifice with self-worth. But at what cost?
People-pleasing is more than just a harmless tendency; it is a deeply ingrained behaviour that can have significant emotional and psychological consequences.
Beneath the surface, people-pleasing is often rooted in fear, insecurity, and a desire for control; control over how we are perceived, how others react, and even how conflict unfolds (or doesn’t).
By always putting others' needs first, we believe we’re being selfless - and we are - but in a way that means we are actually hiding our true selves and, in doing so, denying our own needs - neither of which is an honest way to show up in relationships.
The Hidden Costs of People-Pleasing
People-pleasers often think they are avoiding conflict by being agreeable, but what they are really doing is creating a deeper internal conflict.
The more we prioritise others’ feelings, the more we lose touch with our own. This can lead to burnout, resentment, and a sense of disconnection from ourselves.
Because people-pleasing is socially validated, it can feel like a virtuous act, a way to ensure that everyone around us is happy. But it’s more so an effective [until it’s not] strategy to avoid discomfort.
The irony is that people-pleasing may allow us to dodge immediate conflict, but it sets us up for the longer-term problem of feeling unheard, unseen, and unappreciated.
People-Pleasing as a Form of Control
At its core, people-pleasing is a form of control, but not always in an obvious, manipulative sense.
When we bend over backward to ensure that others are happy, we are subtly trying to manage their emotions and reactions. The fear behind people-pleasing is often the fear of rejection, disapproval, or abandonment.
By acting agreeable & keeping the peace, we believe we are protecting ourselves from conflict and discomfort and maybe we are, in the short term.
But what if the true motivation is to manage who we are in other people’s stories and ensure we are cast as a ‘good’ character - so we don’t have to face the fear of our own inadequacy?
The trouble is that this strategy comes at a cost. Not only do we silence our own needs, but we also set up unrealistic expectations for others. When we are always agreeable, we create an unspoken contract that others should also prioritize our needs.
And when this isn’t reciprocated, it leads to resentment.
We end up feeling unappreciated, when in fact, we’ve contributed to the dynamic by not asserting our true needs in the first place.
Power Dynamics in People-Pleasing
People-pleasing isn't just about being nice or selfless; more often, it's a subtle sign of a power struggle within the dynamic—whether you're the one doing the pleasing or the one being pleased.
Whether it’s in relationships, work, or family, people-pleasers give away their power by constantly seeking approval.
In doing so, they allow others to dictate the terms of the relationship. The pleaser loses their voice, their sense of autonomy, and their ability to stand in their truth.
Paradoxically, people-pleasing can also be a way to avoid personal accountability. By always focusing on others' needs, we avoid confronting our own vulnerabilities, fears, or insecurities.
The more we focus outward, the less we have to examine what's going on within ourselves.
Childhood Roots and Societal Pressures
For many, people-pleasing is a pattern that begins in childhood. As children, we might have been praised for being "good" or "easy" when we accommodated others or behaved in ways that made life smoother for those around us.
If we were raised in environments where conflict was avoided or emotional expression was stifled, we learned early on to be attuned to others’ needs at the expense of our own.
These patterns, when carried into adulthood, shape how we navigate relationships, workplaces, and even how we parent.
Society often rewards self-sacrifice, especially in women.
We’re taught that being agreeable, flexible, and endlessly giving is what makes us good partners, friends, and caregivers. But when selflessness becomes self-neglect, it’s no longer a virtue—it’s a trap.
How to Break Free and Reclaim Your Power
Recognizing people-pleasing for what it is—a fear-based coping mechanism and a subtle form of control—is the first step toward breaking free.
It’s important to understand that prioritising yourself and setting boundaries doesn’t make you a selfish person; it’s essential for your well-being and for cultivating healthy, honest relationships.
Your well being is a gift, not only to yourself, but to your loved ones, friends, work colleagues, community and in effect, the world.
Here are some strategies to help break the cycle of people-pleasing:
Set Boundaries: Learn to say no without shame. Boundaries are not about pushing others away; they are about honouring your own needs and limits & sustaining healthy relationships.
Embrace Discomfort: It’s natural to want to avoid conflict, but it’s important to get comfortable with the idea that discomfort is part of growth. Conflict, when navigated with respect, can lead to deeper understanding and again, stronger relationships.
Change Your Story: Recognize that your worth isn’t tied to other people’s opinions or how much you ‘do’ for them. Understand that the need for validation is an inside job, and find ways to fulfil that need without over relying on others or placing them in a position where they feel obligated to validate you.
Journal and Reflect: Take time to explore where your people-pleasing tendencies come from. Reflect on your childhood, relationships, and societal influences. The more aware you are of these patterns, the easier it will be to break them.
Practice Being Yourself: Start small by being honest about your needs and feelings in low-stakes situations. Over time, you’ll build confidence in expressing yourself without fear of judgment or rejection.
From being ‘good’ to simply ‘being’
Reclaiming your authenticity means stepping away from the urge to please others at your own expense.
It’s about learning to value your own voice, needs, and boundaries. When you do this, you’re not just empowering yourself—you’re creating space for deeper, more genuine connections with others.
Letting go of people-pleasing doesn’t mean letting go of kindness.
It means being kind to yourself first, so that you can show up in the world in a way that’s real and sustainable.
True peace comes from living in alignment with your values, not from avoiding conflict or managing others' emotions.
I appreciate this episode and podcast so much. Thank you for putting it in the world!!